A Therapist’s Tips for Navigating the Holidays with Narcissistic or Immature Parents
The holidays are marketed as a joyous time. But for adults who were raised by narcissistic parents, this time of year can evoke conflicting emotions.
Your childhood memories of the holidays might be tainted with outbursts from a parent or moments of disappointment. As an adult, you might feel isolated if you’ve gone no-contact, or anxious about preparing to spend time with family members.
If you find yourself feeling more drained than delighted during the end-of-the-year celebrations, you’re not alone. These feelings can bring old wounds to the surface, but you don’t have to face them on your own.
In this article, I’ll walk you through effective ways to deal with emotionally immature parents during the holiday season, with tips for various situations.
Hi, I’m Michele Ross LCSW, a trauma-informed therapist who supports adult children of narcissistic parents in Los Angeles.
I have over 25 years of experience as a therapist, and my approach involves Family Systems, Attachment Theory, Somatic Work, and EMDR. I’m accepting new clients in my Larchmont, Los Angeles office and online in California.
Tip 1: Re-parent your inner child and make new traditions
No matter your level of contact, creating your own holiday traditions can be an excellent opportunity to change the narrative around this time of year. It’s a chance to reshape what this season means to you.
Some suggestions:
Make your favorite holiday desserts, in exactly the way you like them (or buy them at a bakery if you prefer!)
Have a movie marathon or carve out a day to simply read in bed. Just giving yourself permission to exist on your own terms and rest can be healing.
If you celebrate Christmas, get yourself a fun advent calendar. The range of themes of advent calendars - from Legos to makeup to tea, to even this story-a-day set from McSweeny’s. You can make your own, too.
Make it an annual tradition to give to a charity that is meaningful to you, or to volunteer at a local soup kitchen or food bank.
If you celebrate Hanukkah, make lighting the menorah be a reminder to take time for self-care. Check out recustom.com for ideas for daily rituals or traditions to try.
Create your own “alternate” holiday. If you are going to be with stressful family members on Thanksgiving Day, schedule a “Friendsgiving” for Saturday. Make time for self-care on Christmas Eve if you are spending Christmas Day with your parents.
Explore ancestral traditions. This can be a different way to connect with your lineage and reclaim it outside of your parents’ influence. Learn about the different customs, sons, food, and activities associated with this time of year for your personal heritage.
I think that sometimes this advice can be overlooked by some people. It’s common to feel like traditions don’t matter if you don’t have children or if you live alone, for example. However, I think that it can be really healing to infuse rituals and moments of joy into the holiday season, no matter who is in your household.
Tip 2: Plan to Maintain Your Boundaries
Once you’ve started creating a sense of emotional safety with new traditions, the next step is protecting that space by maintaining strong boundaries.
Whatever your level of contact, maintaining your boundaries is essential for your wellbeing. I realize that this is easier said than done. A therapist can offer support both before and after the holidays to help you prepare and evaluate.
Recognizing Manipulation
If your parent tends toward manipulative patterns, you might deal with love bombing, guilt trips, or other controlling behaviors.
It might be helpful to develop a plan ahead of time for how you’d like to react to different situations. Prepare a short phrase or script to help you stand firm and care for yourself.
Gathering Support
You can also ask your siblings, partner, or children for support during this time. For example, if you are visiting with family, set a hard time for when you need to leave the event. Ask others in your home not to answer your phone if your narcissistic parent is calling. Make plans to be with another group of people on the day of the event so you can spend time elsewhere.
It can be especially hard during the holiday season to keep your boundaries in place. It’s okay to ask for support, and also to give yourself some grace if you do let your parent in more than you would have liked to.
Tip 3: Notice if you are upholding childhood patterns that don’t serve you
Even in healthy families, it can be easy for adult children to fall back into their childhood roles around their parents.
It can be challenging to notice in the moment. Simply noticing the pattern can help you step away from it. Each time you step back, you reclaim a sense of self-agency and power.
For example, if you notice your parent has put you in the position as the scapegoat with an obviously re-gifted or a less thoughtful item while the golden child is showered with gifts, it might be the trigger for you to leave ahead of time.
Similarly, if your mother has difficulty understanding boundaries and asks you inappropriate questions, remember that you’re not obligated to answer them. This is another area where having a script or prepared phrases can be helpful.
Tip 4: Be mindful of your coping mechanisms
It’s completely natural to want to turn to coping mechanisms during this time of the year, even if you are 100% no contact with your family.
Make a list of healthy coping tools that genuinely appeal to you. Let this list be something you keep nearby - on your phone or on a sticky note by your bed - so that you can turn to it when stressed.
Here are some examples to try:
Go on a walk. This is something that you can do even while at a relative’s house, and is a good way to move your body while you process stressful events.
Create a group text of friends or supportive family members. Let them know how you’re feeling.
Do something mentally engaging. Read a book, do an online crossword puzzle, or watch a documentary. These activities can provide a healthy dose of dopamine without becoming overwhelming.
Spend time with pets. Take your dog to the park, play with your cat and their favorite toy, or invite your pet to cuddle with you on the couch.
Some coping mechanisms help you heal, but others can harm your wellbeing.
For some, the abundance of alcohol and sweets at holiday events and get-togethers can lead to drinking in excess or over-eating as a way to numb emotional pain. For compulsive shoppers, seeing all of the sales mixed with feelings of isolation and loneliness can trigger overspending. This can be a challenging time in sobriety.
These habits can have long-term negative consequences, and can become a roadblock to recovery or trigger a pattern that can escalate over time.
Los Angeles Trauma-Informed Therapist
You deserve a peaceful holiday. You can re-define this time for yourself based on your own values instead of the expectations of others. Remember to honor the work that you’re putting in to heal, and the progress that you’ve already made.
Healing is an ongoing process, and you don’t have to do it alone. If you’d like extra support navigating family dynamics or creating your own sense of peace, I invite you to reach out to schedule a free consultation. I offer in-person sessions in Los Angeles and for convenience also work with California residents online.
Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you build healthier patterns for this season and beyond.
Further Resources for Adult Children of Narcissist Parents:
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: The Journey to Healing as an Adult
Benefits of Therapy for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
