Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: The Journey to Healing as an Adult
Hi, I’m Michele Ross LCSW, an addiction and trauma therapist in Los Angeles.
I have over 25 years of experience as a therapist, with a special focus on adult children of narcissistic parents, especially adult daughters of narcissistic mothers. I see clients in my Larchmont, Los Angeles office and residents of California can meet with me online.
What are common personality traits of narcissistic mothers?
While there’s a range of narcissistic behaviors in mothers, there are certain patterns that I have observed frequently. The mother often:
Believes that she is quite special and should be treated as such. Nobody, especially the daughter, will ever be better than them.
Focuses on her physical appearance, and also wants to make sure everyone thinks the best of her and her family.
Uses money as a weapon - promising it, taking it away, or using it as a manipulation tactic.
Uses love in a similar way to money, so the daughter does not experience a secure attachment. They tell their daughters, “nobody loves you like mommy does,” and also “if you loved me, you would do this for me.”
May have had multiple marriages, and often acts seductively with men regardless of marital status.
Constantly criticizes the daughter, but expects nothing but praise in return.
How does having a narcissistic mother affect women?
I often see an adult woman client with certain relationship patterns often struggling with boundaries and self worth, possibly attracted to narcissistic romantic partners and friends.
These characteristics include:
Difficulty getting close to people, whether in romantic relationships or friendships
Needing to do everything for themselves, avoiding asking for help at all costs
While my clients might consider themselves introverts, they have a pattern of finding people with “big personalities” in their lives
Feeling like stating their needs is “selfish”
Not getting too attached to good things, because they fear the good thing will get taken away
Thinking that I won’t believe them when they tell me about their mother’s behaviors and personality
In the end, these children learn to associate love and pain, and have a love/hate relationship with their mothers. Often, the daughters of narcissists will move across the country, leaving behind the undeserved put-downs from their mother. “That’s the thanks I get,” they’ll say when their daughter first tells them about the move.
But things won’t feel right. They may accomplish valued goals, but never feel “good enough.” They may get involved with a partner that is avoidant, overly critical, or doesn’t meet their needs in some way.
Sometimes this distance - even if not in miles - helps women to feel better about themselves. They start to hope.
But I have seen these moments of independence come crashing down with a phone call or a visit, letter, or text.
How do I help daughters of narcissistic mothers with therapy?
I help women gain healthy separation from their mother - in whatever way that looks like for them as an individual. You’ll start to make a plan for what you want in a relationship with your mother, which in turn opens up a deeper dialogue around what you want in your life.
As a therapist, my role is to provide a safe environment. In our relationship, you’ll be able to share some of the struggles you have been through while also experiencing a slow and healthy attachment with clear boundaries. You can have a range of emotions in our sessions, without punishment or conditions. For some women, therapy is the first time they experience this.
I recognize that it’s a big step to start therapy, and to set boundaries with a narcissistic parent. It’s not always an easy journey. But I have seen clients start to grow and take on the form that they were always meant to be, out of the shadow of their mothers. It is possible to live your own life, form meaningful connections with others, and hold steady boundaries.
