Benefits of Therapy for Adults Raised By A Narcissist
Hi, I’m Michele Ross LCSW, an addiction and trauma therapist in Los Angeles.
I have over 25 years of experience as a therapist, and one of my specialities is supporting adult children of narcissistic parents.
Whether in my Larchmont office or online across California, I offer individualized therapy so that you can process your upbringing and live a more authentic and supported life.
Can you resolve your childhood traumas as an adult?
When daughters of emotionally immature mothers first reach out to me, one thing many of them ask is if therapy can “fix” them – or if they’re just destined to struggle with the ways being raised by a narcissist affects them as an adult.
The good news is: there are many ways that the support of a therapist can help you to not only understand and process the past, but also support you in the present. To make sure that therapy is most effective, it’s crucial to work with a trauma-informed therapist who has specific experience treating clients with narcissistic parents.
In this article, I’ll share some of the things that you’ll be able to shift with the help of a qualified therapist.
Boost Your Self-Confidence and Improve Your Inner Dialogue
When you were growing up, you might have constantly felt like no matter what you did, you weren’t good enough for your narc parent. Your mother may have told you that your struggles were not valid, or maybe even that she resented having you. Your father may have told you often that he was ashamed of you, or made you feel guilty for even thinking about establishing boundaries.
For better or for worse, the way that we were spoken to by our caretakers as children can impact the way that we speak to ourselves. While children with secure attachment know that the love of their parents was unconditional, those who were raised by narcissists grew up constantly trying to get approval from their parents. And that approval may have been rare to come by. As a result, you might still feel perpetually inadequate, which can harm your self-confidence and your ideas about yourself.
Working together with a therapist, you can start to understand the origins of negative self-talk, and you’ll gain tools that will help you to recognize and change this behavior. You’ll start to change your perceptions about yourself, and over time it will become easier to see your strengths and positive qualities.
Set Boundaries Without the Guilt
Growing up with an emotionally immature parent, it’s likely that any boundaries you have tried to set were met with anger, dismissal, or negative consequences. You may not have been allowed to close your bedroom door as a teenager, or in your present day life, your narcissistic mother might call you multiple times a day while you’re at work.
In this way, you were taught that it’s not worth trying to set boundaries — not just with your parents, but with anyone in your life. This can lead to being taken advantage of at work, or unequal relationships where you’re always giving but never receiving.
A therapist can help you to start to claim where you want boundaries in your life, and offer support, encouragement, and validation as you set and maintain those boundaries.
You might start small, setting a boundary with something not related to your family. Perhaps it’s a boundary to not check your work email on Sundays, or leaving the office for your lunch break. You might share with your partner when you need time to yourself, or share when a conversation topic is making you feel anxious.
Your therapist will support you to then move on to more challenging boundaries that need to be set. If you decide it’s right for you, you may even wish to seek support in going low-contact or no-contact with members of your family. You should note that this is something that no therapist should ever force you to do.
Form Healthier Romantic Relationships
Since our first relationship is with our parents, it’s easy to see how their daily interactions with us as children can impact how we interact with our romantic partners in the present moment.
Just as you now recognize that you have a narcissistic parent, a therapist can help you to understand the signs of unequal and unbalanced relationships.
If you are in a healthy relationship, working with a therapist can help you improve your bond with your partner and strenghten your relationship overall. As a therapist with a specialty in relationships, I help my clients to improve their communication with their partners and find mutual understanding.
For example, you may have been conditioned to not express your feelings. Any attempt to express your feelings may have been met with total dismissal, or times where you shared something authentic with a parent might have been used against you negatively later on.
This can cause you to be emotionally closed off from your partner, or afraid to voice your opinion, ask for change, or avoid sharing your feelings, even when asked directly. Over time, your romantic relationships are likely to improve and become stronger as you replace the patterns that were upheld in your childhood to ones that are healthy for you in the present moment.
Experience Secure Attachment
It’s very common for sons and daughters of emotionally immature parents to have an insecure attachment style. Depending on your circumstance, your way of connecting with others might be anxious, avoidant, or even a combination of both.
Luckily, your therapist can work together with you to show you what secure attachment can look and feel like. A trauma-informed therapist will create a healthy environment where you can experience being understood, validated, and supported. You’ll get to experience empathy from another person, and have someone actively listen to you. A therapist will be fully present with you, while also showcasing how to create clear boundaries.
In fact, having secure attachment with your therapist is an important component for therapy to be successful. A study published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology found that clients with secure attachments with their therapists were able to better feel relief from depression and anxiety. In the end, this can even help reshape your attachment style!
Knowing that you can trust your therapist helps you to process your emotions more clearly, become more engaged in the therapeutic process, and provide a model for how to build healthy relationships in the future.
Become True to Who You Are — Outside of Your Parent’s Influence
Growing up under the shadow of a domineering parent, particularly a narcissistic mother, often means living in a world where your own voice is overshadowed by theirs. Your own sense of self has been obscured by the shadow of a parent looming over you.
The path to becoming free of those external expectations can be easier to navigate with therapy. You’ll be able to slowly peel back the layers of imposed identities and begin to understand the authentic you. Eventually, you’ll be able to claim your passions and preferences that might have been buried under years of someone else’s vision for your life.
As you become empowered to engage more with your true interests, you might find yourself taking the reigns in small but significant ways. Over time, you might also lean into larger decisions that reflect your newfound sense of self, such as enrolling in a degree program that excites you or considering a move to a totally new state.
Every time you prioritize your own needs and interests, you’re able to take one step away from living in the shadows of someone else's expectations. Eventually, you’ll lead a life that feels genuinely your own.
Start Your Journey Towards Healing and Self-Discovery
It can be hard to take the first step and reach out to a therapist, especially after a narcissistic upbringing. If you feel called to make a change in your life, therapy can lead to positive transformation and inner fulfillment. Though the road may seem daunting, remember that you are not alone.
The process of working with a therapist to rediscover your own voice, set healthy boundaries, and form secure, meaningful relationships can open the door to a life filled with authenticity and joy.
As a therapist dedicated to guiding individuals through these complex emotional landscapes, my role is to walk beside you as you navigate these changes. Together, we can explore your past, understand its impact on your present, and empower you to shape a future that aligns with your true self.
If you're ready to take the first step toward reclaiming your life and living it on your own terms, I invite you to reach out for support. Reach out today using the contact form below, and let’s begin this transformative journey together.
