Finding Self-Worth After Being Raised by a Narcissist: A Therapist’s Perspective
Do you constantly feel like you’re not good enough, no matter how much you accomplish? Read on for tips on how to find a sense of self-esteem in adulthood.
Why a narcissistic parent fuels chronic self-doubt in their children
In my recent article on how being raised by a narcissist can impact you as an adult, I talk about how those with adverse childhood experiences are more likely to struggle with low-self esteem.
Those raised by narcissists often have low self-worth due to the parent’s constant criticism.
The parent may directly blame their own issues on a child, or may pressure a child to be “perfect,” which leads to an immense fear of failure.
In both cases, the love of the parent was given on a conditional basis – when the parent’s expectations were met.
Also, it’s not uncommon for a narcissistic parent to twist a child’s achievements into something negative. For example, “you can get straight A’s on your report card, but you can’t keep your mouth shut around Aunt Marie.”
In this way, accomplishment becomes another means of control. It’s something to undermine the child rather than uplift.
The child learns that their successes are never “good enough” because they still lead to criticism instead of praise. This reinforces a constant sense of inadequacy and confusion about their own worth.
Over time, this dynamic shapes the child’s inner voice. They internalize the parent’s judgments, and learn to constantly question their decisions, brush aside their achievements, and expect rejection.
What began as a way to survive the narcissistic parent’s scrutiny becomes an ingrained pattern of self-doubt that follows them into adulthood.
Recognizing the Impact and Beginning to Heal
After years of walking on eggshells, conditional love, and being told that you’re never enough, many adult children of narcissistic parents carry those patterns into their relationships.
You might find yourself:
Apologizing too often, even for the smallest of things
Struggling to trust your own decisions, paralyzed by the idea of making the wrong choice
Feeling responsible for other people’s happiness
Downplaying your accomplishments and feeling like an imposter in your career or hobbies
Struggling to believe that other people actually like you for who you are, putting a strain on friendships
The first thing I’d like you to understand is that these behaviors aren’t character flaws.
Instead, they are coping mechanisms that helped you to survive a dysfunctional family.
The next thing I’d like you to know is that you can overcome these patterns.
They come from an inner critic that was shaped by someone else’s expectations. They don’t have to define you for the rest of your life. I’ve seen clients who grew up in narcissistic homes be able to find their true voice and build a new emotional framework based on self-trust and inner connection.
Practical Steps to Start Rebuilding Self-Worth
While an experienced therapist can support you and your unique situation with more clarity, there are some general steps that can help you get started with finding a sense of balance within your inner dialogue.
Ask yourself “Whose voice is this?” when you start to doubt yourself or put yourself down. See if you can take a step back and instead look at yourself from someone else’s perspective. How does your best friend, favorite coworker or client see you? What would they say about you instead? This cognitive restructuring is a method with positive results in correcting inaccurate beliefs, as found in a 2023 meta-analysis.
Practice standing up for yourself, even in small ways. Setting small, consistent boundaries can help you to assert your needs and worth in a way that helps this skill to get easier over time. Did you order extra pickles at a restaurant, but they aren’t on your plate? Don’t feel bad asking for them - it sounds silly but this practice can be really supportive, as found in a 2016 study out of the University of Buffalo.
Keep a “proud moments” journal. Similar to a gratitude journal, write down 1-3 moments from the day when you handled something well. This is a kind of positive psychology intervention that can heighten self-esteem, as noted in this study from the Annual Review of Psychology in 2014. Maybe it was asking for those extra pickles…or maybe it was something you worked hard on that day, or a small problem you were able to solve. Over time, this will retrain your brain to see your own competence.
Volunteer or join a community. A 2019 meta-analysis of scientific research by the American Psychological Association found that community involvement and positive group interactions
Therapy Can Help You Reclaim Your Self-Worth
If you recognize these patterns of chronic self-doubt and conditional self-worth in yourself, therapy can be a path to healing and support. A skilled therapist can offer validation, guidance, and other tools to help you rewire your self-perception and heal attachment wounds.
As a Los Angeles trauma-informed therapist with over 25 years of experience, I specialize in helping adult children of narcissistic parents untangle the complex emotional wounds that persist past childhood. I offer both in-person and online therapy to provide flexible support tailored to your needs.
