Understanding Roles in Narcissistic Families
Scapegoat, golden child, invisible child, enabler – what roles do we typically see in narcissistic families, and why?
In my years of working with adult children of narcissistic parents in LA and California, I’ve seen how certain patterns within family structure show up time and time again. Even though the circumstances surrounding the narcissistic parent are different – they may be covert or overt or a mix of both, they may be the mother or the father or a step-parent, you may have had one or many siblings – there are specific roles that typically emerge within the family dynamics.
These roles have been studied by psychotherapists and researchers, who have documented family patterns and impacts through studies and clinical observations. They’ve found that these family roles can greatly influence the mental health and relationships of family members – no matter what their role is.
If you were raised by a narcissist, this article will help you understand your experience and make links between your childhood and patterns that you may carry with you today in your adult life.
Roles and Patterns in Narcissistic Families
Research done on narcissistic families shows us a playbook of sorts that the narcissistic parent can follow. In a way, it forms a family tree with different roles that classify how the narcissistic parent (and other members of the family) treat that family member.
These roles were first explored in the late 70’s and early 80’s by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse in relation to families where a parent suffers from addiction or alcoholism. The family roles were further studied by Diane Verdiano in the 80’s and 90’s, and the concept is an important part of Family Systems Theory.
At the “top” of the chain, we have the Narcissistic Parent. They are the captain of this mission, and are the ones in need of attention, validation, and control of the situation. In order to feel as though they are in power, they place other family members into certain roles in a way to make their plan effective.
Next, we have the Enabler. Usually, this is a spouse, an older sibling, or other family member who holds some kind of authority. They uphold the patterns of the narcissistic parent and support their behavior.
The children then usually fall into one of these categories:
The Golden Child: They are easily swayed by the narcissistic parent, and thus their actions are excessively praised. The narcissistic parent sees the achievements of the Golden Child as their own, and sees these accomplishments as proof of their good parenting skills. In turn, the Golden Child (also called the “Hero”) feels as though they “must achieve lots in life” for their “parents’ sake” (Zagefka et al) instead of out of their own wishes and goals.
While the Hero sounds like the ideal role to fall into, the golden child usually experiences a loss of self-identity due to enmeshment, people-pleasing, and codependency.
Moreover, since being the Golden Child negatively impacts their relationship with their siblings, which has been shown to have negative mental health effects in adulthood (BBC). Since this child is also known as the “hero,” they can appear to have everything “figured out” from the outside, which often makes them overlooked as having any home issues (Glover, Krois).
The Scapegoat: Usually pitted against the Golden Child by the narc parent, the scapegoat is seen as the one to be blamed for any faults within the family. Their achievements are never enough, and their parents may even use their own accomplishments against them. This can cause the child to rebel against their parents and also against other authority figures.
The narc parent “needs” the scapegoat in order to uphold their version of “reality,” and so they will often discourage the independence of the scapegoat, forbidding that they move out or guilt-tripping them. Even so, as noted in his research study, Victor Torres explains that “the scapegoat makes the narcissistic parent feel very uncomfortable.”
Adult scapegoat children struggle with chronically blaming and doubting themselves, which can cause heightened anxiety and depression. Constantly being blamed can wreak havoc on their self-esteem, distort their perception of themselves, and make it difficult for them to feel emotionally secure.
The Lost Child: Not falling into roles of the one to be praised or the one to be blamed, the Lost Child can be ignored and isolated, and feel unseen within the family. Wegscheider describes the Lost Child as someone who “hides from the growing chaos of the family (Glover, Wegscheider),” and often has their needs unmet (Zagefka et al).
From the outside, it may seem like since they don’t play a strong role in the family dynamics, that they must not have the same mental health struggles of the golden child and the scapegoat.
However, the Lost Child often struggles with connecting to others, and they can have a difficult time feeling validated in their feelings and actions. Forming secure bonds and attachments and asking for help can be a challenge, and they may turn to substances that cultivate a sense of numbness as a way to cope.
Other Roles Within Dysfunctional Families
Mascot: The mascot is the family comedian – they use humor to cheer up others and to deflect from the issues faced within the home. This role isn’t always associated with family dysfunction (Zagefka et al, Potter and Williams).
Caretaker: When a child is placed in the role of caretaker, they are given responsibilities that are not age appropriate, such as being an emotional support figure for a parent or taking on excessive responsibilities with younger siblings. This is also known as “parentification” (Zagefka et al, Burnett, Pasternak).
Common Misconceptions About Narcissistic Family Roles
Roles aren’t always neatly defined: You may find that you relate to more than one role, or like the role’s description isn’t exactly your experience. It’s important to remember that each family’s relationship with the narcissistic adult is different and unique.
You may have held multiple roles: If your family structure changed in some way growing up – a sibling moved out, younger siblings were born, step-siblings moved in – there’s a chance that roles shifted around a bit in order for the narcissist parent to continue their behavior. For example, you may have shifted from Golden Child to Scapegoat, or from Golden Child to Lost Child.
More than one person can fill the same role: As Victor Torres highlights, there could be more than one golden child or multiple scapegoats in the family.
The Golden Child or Lost Child aren’t without negative impact: It may be easy to see these roles as being “ideal,” but they are still deeply affected by their upbringing.
Understanding Your Role & Taking Steps Towards Healing
Now that you understand a bit more about the patterns that were upheld in your family, you’ve taken an important step towards getting a better understanding of yourself.
Sadly, I often see many adult children of narcissistic parents carrying feelings of guilt, shame, low self-esteem, and confusion around their identity and boundaries.
Therapy can provide you with a non-judgmental space where you can unpack your past and explore your emotions in a way that not only validates your experiences but also helps you to reclaim your authentic self.
Therapy can help you break free from the role that you fell into as a child, and can also support you as an adult to release patterns like codependency or people-pleasing. Approaches like family systems therapy and EMDR have been shown to be especially effective in addressing these issues.
Most importantly, therapy can empower you to redefine your self-worth and create healthy and fulfilling roles for you in your current relationships based on your needs and values.
Recovery from the effects of a narcissistic parent is a journey, but you don’t have to do it alone. Seeking professional support is a powerful way to start reclaiming your life and your happiness.
If you’re looking to make a meaningful change in your life and are in the Los Angeles area or looking for online therapy in the state of California, I invite you to reach out via the contact form below.
