Claiming Independence from a Narcissistic Mother: Understanding Enmeshment

Hi, I’m Michele Ross LCSW, a Los Angeles therapist who helps adult children of narcissistic parents. With over 25 years of experience in the mental health field, I support my clients with modalities like Brainspotting and EMDR. I see clients in my Larchmont office, and see residents of California virtually with online appointments.

Growing up, were boundaries with your mom non-existent?

This sort of involvement goes beyond the typical loving care of a parent. Instead, it’s as though the mother sees her daughter as a continuum of herself – almost as though the umbilical cord that supported the child in utero is energetically still there. It’s like a Venn Diagram, where the mother completely encircles her child, not allowing them to have any semblance of independence.

In “Families and Family Therapy,” Salvador Minuchin defined enmeshment as a family system dynamic. He explained how enmeshment between a mother and her child shows up as a relationship where there are no personal boundaries to the point where the child isn’t able to develop her own sense of self. 

Child actress Jeannette McCurdy, in her book “I’m Glad My Mom Died,” says: “I was conditioned to believe any boundary I had was a betrayal of her, so I stayed silent, cooperative.”

Here’s how enmeshment can show up in narcissistic mothers:

1. Privacy in the house may be non-existent, with the mother feeling entitled, as though nothing should be kept from her.
   
   Daughters may not be allowed to close their bedroom door, the mother may barge in while the daughter is in the bathroom, their diaries may be read, and their phone calls may be listened to.
   
   The mother may spend excessive time in the child’s room or demand that her child spend time in the same room as her, ignoring the child’s need for personal space.
   

2. The daughter is expected to think and act like her, and always be in agreement with her opinions. 
   
   In her book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?,” Karyl McBride, Ph.D, LMFT describes this as “She puts pressure on her daughter to act and react to the world and her surroundings in the exact manner that mom would, rather than in a way that feels right for the daughter.” 
   
   The child may grow up to one day suddenly have the realization that nothing that they’ve done, none of their opinions or life choices, actually stemmed from their own inner compass. Instead, they all came from the mother’s need to control the behavior of their child. 
   

3. The mother leans on her daughter as a support system instead of the other way around. Also known as emotional parentification, the mother will essentially turn her daughter into her therapist, expecting her daughter to listen to her problems in a way that is not age-appropriate. 
   

4. The mother thrives off of emotional control of the daughter. Through manipulation, it’s common for narcissistic mothers to assert themselves in a way that is emotionally controlling. The daughter learns to prioritize the needs of the mother and shoves aside her own needs.
   

5. There’s an over-identification, where the mother sees the daughter as someone she can live vicariously through. The mother may try to shape the daughter’s life in a way that meets her mother’s unfulfilled hopes.
   

6. The mother makes herself the most important person in her child’s life, isolating the child from other relationships. The mother may dismantle the daughter’s friendships, romantic relationships, and even connection with other family members.
   

7. The mother cannot cope with her maturing daughter. As the child grows up into a teenager and gets her license and goes off to college, an enmeshed mother may start to resent her daughter’s independence and try to hinder it. The mother may strongly resist or even forbid that the daughter move out on her own.

Learn More: How Can Being Raised by Narcissistic Parents Affect You as an Adult?

How is Enmeshment Different from Healthy Attachment?

A mother-daughter relationship with healthy attachment is one where the parent is involved with the child’s life in a way where boundaries still exist. 

1. Age-appropriate privacy is given, with the mother attuning to her child’s need for personal space.
   

2. The daughter is allowed to follow her own path, and her personal identity and autonomy is encouraged and accepted unconditionally.
   

3. The daughter takes on the role of the child, where parents provide emotional support in a developmentally appropriate way. The mother supports the daughter to overcome challenges independently while also being available if needed. 
   

4. The mother encourages her daughter to express her own needs and feelings openly. There’s a balance between caring for others and the daughter honoring her own needs. There’s a respect for individual differences, and they are embraced instead of seen as a personal attack. 
   

5. The mother is proud of her maturing daughter. As the daughter matures and becomes more independent, the mother encourages her growth and exploration. The securely attached mother may offer guidance, but it is given without control and a secure connection is maintained no matter what the outcome. 
   

6. A securely attached mother models healthy ways to manage and express emotions, so that the daughter can develop her own healthy expression of how she feels.

How do I help adult children of narcissistic parents with therapy?

Whether you had a narc mom or a narc dad,either situation can cause damage in childhood that you still carry with you today. Low self-esteem, poor mental health, and relationship issues are common in adults who were raised by a narcissist parent. 

I help clients figure out what healthy separation from their narc parent looks like for them. When we work together, you’ll be able to define what you want in a relationship with your parent – and for the other areas of your life, too. 

I recognize that it’s a big step to start therapy, and to begin to make changes in behaviors that have been cemented since childhood. However, I have seen clients start to grow and take on the form that they were always meant to be. Most times, it is beyond what they thought possible. 

Are you ready to make a meaningful change? Fill out the contact form for a free 15-minute consultation to see if I can support you on your journey.