Covert vs Overt Narcissism - What’s the Difference?
Hi, I’m Michele Ross LCSW, a Los Angeles therapist who helps adult children of narcissistic parents. With over 25 years of experience in the mental health field, I support my clients with modalities like Brainspotting and EMDR. I see clients in my Larchmont office, and see residents of California virtually with online appointments.
If you’ve been reading about narcissistic families, you might have come across terms like ‘overt narcissist’ or ‘covert narcissist.’
It’s natural to wonder exactly what these terms mean, and whether they describe your own experiences.
While the words ‘covert’ (done in secret) and ‘overt’ (done in the open) offer a simple way to differentiate these types of narcissism, the reality is more nuanced and worth exploring a bit deeper.
Think of overt narcissism as someone loudly boasting about their achievements, while covert narcissism is more like someone who quietly feels superior but masks it behind withdrawal or self-pity.
As you’re learning more about the behaviors of your parent, there are some details to know and recognize. This is especially true if you’re still in the early stages of discovering if you were raised by a narcissist.
What is Overt Narcissism?
Grandiose sense of self-importance
Elevated and often exaggerated pride and self-esteem
Often belittles others to maintain superiority
Highly concerned with appearances and how others perceive them
A recent scientific review titled “Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Progress in Understanding and Treatment” was carried out by two Harvard Medical School psychologists. They mention that a key component of overt narcissism is its grandiosity.
This belief often translates into behaviors that put family members down to so that the parent can shine brighter themselves, leaving children feeling diminished or invisible. Overt narcissists believe they are the best, and that nobody can compare to them.
You might recognize an overt narcissistic parent by the way they talk negatively about you, often in subtle or overt ways, to keep the spotlight on themselves.
This can leave you feeling like your achievements are never enough, even if you work hard to please them. It’s like their excess outward expression of self-esteem is fueled by belittling everyone else in their family.
Keeping up with appearances is also of utmost importance to them. For example, some overt narcissistic parents may use gestures to impress others or to control perceptions within family dynamics.
For example, in my own practice I’ve seen a narcissistic mother send a Glamour Shot photograph to her daughter and tell her that it is the only picture she can use of her.
What is Covert Narcissism?
Low Self-Esteem Fuels Narcissistic Behavior
Denies Behavior; Gaslights
Uses Guilt as a Deflecting Tool
Stuck in a Victim Mentality
As noted in the same scientific review above, covert narcissism doesn’t carry some of the stereotypical narcissistic “loud and proud” behaviors.
The Harvard Medical School psychologists who authored the study explain that these parents keep themselves distant from relationships and have a larger-than-typical response to situations that they see as negative.
This brings about an impulse to deny and deflect past behavior, or to place the blame on anyone other than themselves.
You might find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, anxious to avoid triggering their mood, which makes setting boundaries feel nearly impossible.
For example, a covert narcissist might guilt their child into feeling bad when the child brings up something that the parent did.
A covert narcissist might play the victim or express self-doubt, fishing for compliments or sympathy to feel valued. You might recognize your parent playing the victim in order to get a compliment from someone. This is why covert narcissists are also known as “vulnerable narcissists” - they lead with a sense of shame.
“Vulnerable narcissism, in marked contrast to the overt grandiose features … includes instances of depressed mood, insecurity, hypersensitivity, shame and identification with victimhood”
Because of this subtlety, many grown children only realize the impact of their parent's covert narcissism much later in life. Recognizing these patterns is an important step toward healing.
A Parent Can Have Both Covert and Overt Traits
Of course, individuals rarely fit neatly into one category. Research shows that many narcissistic parents demonstrate a mix of both patterns.
According to the Qualitative Study published in Focus Journal, 69% of a study group reported both covert (vulnerable) and overt (grandiose) symptoms in narcissistic relatives.
It’s common to feel confused when your parent’s behavior shifts between grandiosity and vulnerability. Remember, many parents exhibit both overt and covert narcissistic traits, which can make the experience feel unpredictable and exhausting.
While overt narcissism can be easy to spot once you learn about it, it usually isn’t until an individual is well into adulthood that they realize they had a parent with covert or a mix of covert and overt tendencies.
How do I help adults of a covert and overt narcissistic parent with therapy?
No matter the type of narcissistic parent you grew up with—covert, overt, or a blend—each can leave deep emotional wounds. But it’s important to know that recovery is possible, and you don’t have to carry this burden alone.
The impacts of being raised by a narcissist can be helped through therapy. Therapy is a solid and proven way to help you improve areas of your life that are negatively affected by your childhood. Your confidence, relationships, friendships, career, and desires can become realigned.
As a therapist, my role is to provide a safe environment. In our relationship, you’ll be able to share some of the struggles you have been through while learning about a healthy attachment with clear boundaries. You will have a safe environment to experience a range of emotions. For some people, therapy is the first time they experience this.
I offer individual, couples, and family therapy in my Larchmont neighborhood office in Los Angeles, and online for California residents.
Studies Referenced:
Day, Nicholas J S et al. “Living with pathological narcissism: a qualitative study.” Borderline personality disorder and emotion dysregulation vol. 7,1 19. 14 Aug. 2020, doi:10.1186/s40479-020-00132-8
Weinberg, Igor, and Elsa Ronningstam. “Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Progress in Understanding and Treatment.” Focus (American Psychiatric Publishing) vol. 20,4 (2022): 368-377. doi:10.1176/appi.focus.20220052
