How Can Being Raised by Narcissistic Parents Affect You as an Adult?

Hi, I’m Michele Ross LCSW, an addiction and trauma therapist in Los Angeles.

With over 25 years of experience as a therapist, I specialize in supporting adults impacted by emotionally immature or narcissistic parents. Whether in my Larchmont office or online across California, I offer tailored counseling to navigate these complex dynamics and am here to support you.

It can be hard to see how your past - childhood trauma, dysfunctional family systems, grief - impacts how you experience the world today. 

Just as a fish may not recognize the water it swims in, you might not immediately see how childhood experiences shape your adult behaviors and patterns. Often, being 'too close' to these experiences can blur the lines of awareness. Don’t worry though – you’re not alone in this discovery.

This is where therapy shines a light on those waters, so you can more clearly see the impact on your past and find a more supportive way forward.

Navigating life in the shade of a narcissistic parent can be challenging, but you don’t have to figure it all out alone.

In this article, I’ll outline some common symptoms that arise for individuals raised by narcissistic parents. If you live in California and notice any of these symptoms in yourself and would like to get support, please reach out to see how therapy can help you.

Recognizing Narcissistic Parenting: Key Traits to Understand Your Childhood

If you were raised by a narcissistic parent, you may have experienced certain patterns in your childhood, such as:

• Reactions Were Unpredictable: You were often unsure how your parent would respond in different situations, and didn’t know what would set them off.

• Parent Dominated the Household: You and other family members had to tip-toe around this individual, hide their emotions, and ignore issues in order to avoid conflict.

• Your Emotions Were Dismissed: This adult in your life was unable to understand or validate others' feelings. You might have been scolded for expressing how you felt, or your feelings and reactions may have been brushed aside.

• Parent Did Not Allow You to Have Boundaries: Your privacy may have been disrespected or not valued. For example, you may not have been able to close your bedroom door as a teenager, or even now as an adult, they may continue to ask you inappropriate questions.

• Parent Believes They Are the Best: This person is in need of constant validation, hyperfixate on their appearance, and can’t handle criticism. They believe that they are special, and prompt those around them to treat them as such.

Your Current Patterns

You have a hard time getting close to people

Many find it challenging to let other people into their lives. You may think that people in your life don’t actually like you, since you grew up under constant criticism. This can prompt you to avoid initiating communication or social situations.

With the individuals who you are close with, such as a partner, you may avoid expressing criticism or explaining your emotions to them. It can still be a challenge to fully trust them.

Counseling with a trained therapist can help you to experience secure attachment, so that you can recognize what that looks like and seek it out with others in your life. You’ll learn that you can have a range of emotions without fear of punishment or conditions. Over time, you’ll find it easier to maintain friendships and find more confidence within yourself.

You avoid accepting help

It’s common to feel like letting others help you is “selfish,” but this is a misconception that many face. 

At work, you may worry that you’ll be punished if you ask for guidance, so you spend extra hours working to figure something out on your own. You might feel bad asking your spouse to help with some household tasks, or generally feel like you’re inconveniencing others if you don’t take on all of the workload. Even if you’re sick, you may continue to do tasks and refuse any assistance.

In therapy sessions, I support clients with modalities like EMDR and Brainspotting to help process experiences from childhood to break repetitive patterns. These somatic tools help you reprocess traumatic memories so that you can understand them in a new light. In turn, this will help you to see that your needs are not selfish, so start to express them to others.

You Have People-Pleasing Tendencies

While you may not like to ask for help, at the same time you may notice that you have a tendency to over-help others. At work, in your friend group, or in your neighborhood, you may always say “yes” to requests, even if they cross multiple boundaries. You might gather a friend group of “big personalities” who are pushy, make poor choices (and have you clean up their mess), or lack social awareness.

Some examples of this include feeling obligated to work weekends, taking on excessive responsibilities, going out of your way for others, or noticing that your kindness is being taken advantage of in your relationships. You feel responsible for other’s reactions and try to placate people whenever possible.

Working with a therapist can provide the support you need to find a balance between getting close to people and people-pleasing. You’ll learn frameworks to help you set and maintain healthy boundaries with others in your life. You can start to stand up for yourself without feeling guilty. Therapy can guide you toward finding empowerment in saying 'no' and valuing your own needs.

You Harbor Self-Limiting Beliefs

Those with adverse childhood experiences are more likely to struggle with low-self esteem. This can cause you to avoid taking small risks because you believe you’re “not good enough.” These beliefs often stem from repeated dismissals of self-worth during childhood, which block you from your true potential.

You might hesitate to apply for a promotion, fearing you're 'not qualified enough,' or delay pursuing hobbies by thinking 'now isn’t the right time'—a time that never seems to arrive.

You may avoid learning new skills or exploring hobbies that you’ve always been curious about, or have trouble “allowing” yourself to indulge in things like new clothes or a professional haircut because it feels like “money wasted” since you’re not “worthy.”

Through therapy, you'll not only unpack these beliefs but also begin rebuilding your self-image, paving the way for growth and self-compassion. You’ll start to be more comfortable taking risks, and not connect your value as a person with the outcome of putting yourself out there.   

California: Counseling for Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents

While it’s not always an easy journey, I have seen the presence of emotionally immature parents shrink as my clients start to grow and develop into the individual they were always meant to be.

In therapy sessions, you’ll start to gain a healthy separation from your narcissistic parent, and decide what you want in your present relationship with them. This then opens the door for a deeper conversation around what you want in your life now, and how you want your other relationships to look.

Therapy provides you with a safe environment to explore your emotions, develop healthier relationships, and create clear boundaries in your life.

If you’re ready to explore this transformation and seek the support you deserve, contact me for a consultation.