Attachment Issues After Being Raised by a Narcissist: What to Know
If you were raised by a narcissistic parent, you may find it difficult to feel secure in your current relationships.
Many adults in this position notice recurring patterns in friendships or romantic partnerships that they just can’t seem to shake.
You might feel a great fear of being abandoned or left alone, people-pleasing and avoiding talking about your feelings in order to avoid conflict.
Or you might avoid others because you find their care to be overwhelming.
In either case, at the core of these patterns is often a belief that you’re either “too much” or “not enough.” These feelings can stem from the inconsistent or self-centered caregiving you experienced as a child.
The good news is that there are ways to repair your attachment wounds. It is possible to build safe, secure relationships – and also to start being more compassionate and clear with yourself.
Secure vs. Insecure Attachment Styles
Attachment Theory is based on the idea that your early experiences can affect your ability to feel safe, valued, and understood in relationships.
Understanding your attachment style helps explain why certain relationship patterns keep repeating. Recognizing your own attachment type can help you to change towards a more secure style.
A secure attachment forms when a child feels safe, supported, and confident that their caregivers will be there for them and meet their needs. They experience a sense of emotional stability, and their trust is built up over time.
In contrast, many adults raised in unstable environments may struggle with insecure attachment styles. This can come about when a parent’s love feels conditional, inconsistent, or overall unavailable.
A study conducted by Amy Palumbo, a student in the Undergraduate Honors Program at Bridgewater State University shows that early conflict or a lack of warmth from a parent — particularly a narcissistic one — can increase the likelihood of insecure attachment later in life (Palumbo, 2023).
There are three types of insecure attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized
Anxious attachment often evokes the question: “do you love me?”
Those with this attachment style can have a strong fear that their friends or romantic partners will one day leave them.
In an attempt to avoid conflict, people-pleasing and ignoring their own needs are common.
A person with this attachment style may feel like they have stronger feelings for others that aren’t reciprocated. (Palumbo, 2023; Sagone, 2023).
Avoidant attachment style is hallmarked by the sentiment of "I'm better off on my own.”
For those with this style, connecting with others is seen as being too vulnerable. They often assume relationships will lead to disappointment, so they withdraw to protect themselves.
Within existing relationships, these individuals have a hard time opening up and asking for help. It’s hard to trust people, and they want to avoid rejection (Palumbo, 2023; Sagone, 2023).
Disorganized attachment is a mixture of the previous two – “I want you to love me, but I might be better off on my own.” It’s also sometimes called fearful-avoidant.
People with this attachment style alternate between needing reassurance and then wanting to push away. This push/pull dynamic can be confusing for the other person in the relationship.
Secure Attachment is Possible–No Matter Your Upbringing
The encouraging truth is that attachment style isn’t fixed.
Research shows that adult attachment patterns can change in response to later life experiences — even shifting month to month as relationships evolve (Fraley, 2020; Dungan, 2025).
A study published recently in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology was led by Keely Dugan, an assistant professor of social personality psychology at the University of Missouri.
This long-term study followed 705 participants, from infancy into their early teenage years and then again when in their late 20s to early 30s. Due to the availability of years of data, Dugan and the other co-authors of the study were able to see how early relationships could impact adult attachment styles.
When interviewed about her findings in Scientific American, Dungan says, “Evidence supports that adult attachment styles can change in response to later life events and can even fluctuate month to month in response to both positive and negative relationship experiences. These findings show attachment styles are malleable. You can have a not-so-great relationship with your parents and still develop a secure and healthy bond with a close friend or romantic partner in adulthood.”
Therapy Can Support Secure Attachment
With therapy, you can learn skills to develop more secure and fulfilling relationships. It’s a place where you can unlearn old patterns from narcissistic parenting and practice new ways of relating. Over time, you’ll be able to recognize the patterns that come up in your relationships, and set healthy boundaries while also allowing yourself to be supported.
As you rebuild trust, you can develop a sense of security both in yourself and in your relationships.
If you’re ready to take the next step, reach out for a free 15-minute phone consultation.
Works Cited
Fraley, R. C., Gillath, O., & Deboeck, P. (2020). Do life events lead to enduring changes in adult attachment styles? A naturalistic longitudinal investigation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 119(4), 823–843. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32790474/
Palumbo, Amy (2023).The impact of parental narcissism on adult attachment styles [Honors project, Bridgewater State University]. Virtual Commons. https://vc.bridgew.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1628&context=honors_proj
Sagone, E., Commodari, E., Indiana, M., & La Rosa, V. (2023). Exploring the association between attachment style, psychological well-being, and relationship status in young adults and adults—A cross-sectional study. European Journal of Investigation in Health, Psychology and Education, 13(3), 525–539. https://doi.org/10.3390/ejihpe13030040
Scientific American. (2024, July 22). How childhood relationships affect your adult attachment style, according to new research. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-childhood-relationships-affect-your-adult-attachment-style-according-to/
Further Resources for Adult Children of Narcissist Parents:
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: The Journey to Healing as an Adult
Claiming Independence from a Narcissistic Parent: Understanding Enmeshment
