A Therapist's Guide to Handling the Shame of Shopping Addiction
Hi, I’m Michele Ross LCSW, an addiction therapist in Los Angeles with over 25 years of experience. I offer EMDR Sessions and Intensives that support people with trauma, depression, and addictions like compulsive buying.
If you’re carrying shame as a compulsive shopper, know that you’re not alone.
It’s common for compulsive shoppers to feel ashamed immediately post purchase, and the shame might resurface again once the item is delivered if you ordered online.
You might also feel shame for past purchases, or the amount of money you’ve spent over the last several years.
For some, making another purchase can become a way of seeking relief from that uncomfortable feeling.
This creates a loop that can be a challenge to get out of. The discomfort of shame can become so overwhelming that you freeze or avoid the situation, or spiral into worry or depression. It’s understandable to feel stuck when your feelings are this intense.
In this article, you’ll learn more about the shame loop in compulsive shopping and how you can respond to shame with action rather than avoidance.
Working with a therapist who specializes in shopping compulsion can help you get out of the shame loop, pinpoint the origins of your habits, and find healing on a deeper level. In this way, you’re able to create a more stable foundation to manage your spending and meet your goals.
Understanding the Shame Loop in Compulsive Buying
Research suggests that simply being prone to shame is a risk factor for shopping compulsion.
For some people, the cycle can begin when they experience overwhelming emotions like stress, anxiety, loneliness, or sadness.
In an attempt to feel better, they may turn toward shopping for a temporary sense of relief.
But after the purchase, the overwhelming feelings may come back. The individual might blame themselves, and feel more anxiety as they think about bills.
Shame can also make avoidance more likely as a coping strategy, as suggested by research published in the Journal of Economic Psychology. Instead of trying to fix the source of the underlying emotions, a person may try to escape them.
“Shame begets using and more using begets more shame, and the vicious cycle is produced and maintains itself,” explains Owen Flanagan, in his article on The Shame of Addiction.
While Flanagan’s writing is about substance addiction rather than compulsive shopping, his description illustrates how shame can become a part of the cycle that drives the unwanted behavior.
How to Respond Differently to Shame for Positive Change
Instead of responding to shame with avoidance, you can learn to acknowledge what happened, repair what you can, understand your patterns, and ask for support. Over time, these methods can help you gain more experience outside of the compulsive cycle.
Acknowledge & Accept
Acceptance helps you to acknowledge the purchases you’ve made without judging your entire identity.
Try to practice thoughts like ‘I made some shopping choices that I regret’ rather than ‘I’ll never recover from this. I can’t stand myself.’
The second thought turns a behavior you regret into a judgment about your entire identity, which can make it hard to respond in a healthy way.
“Shame is also normally a crucial factor motivating the addict’s attempt to reclaim, reconstruct, and improve himself,” notes Flanagan in his article on shame.
The goal is to acknowledge what happened, take responsibility, and use that awareness to make different choices going forward.
One systematic review found an association between self-compassion and substance-use outcomes, suggesting that self-compassion may be relevant to recovery from addictive behaviors.
Treat setbacks with kindness to help you respond to them in a way that doesn’t pull you further into shame.
Return or Sell
Take stock of your purchases and work toward decluttering your home. Returning or selling unnecessary purchases can help address some of the consequences of compulsive buying, including financial strain and the accumulation of possessions.
These actions don't undo the purchase, but they can be a practical way to begin repairing its consequences.
At the same time, be careful not to turn returning items into part of the compulsive-buying cycle.
Returning an item can be part of repairing a purchase you regret. But it shouldn't become a safety net that justifies the excessive buying problem.
Track Your Patterns
You may benefit from tracking the urges, emotions, and triggers that came before making an unnecessary purchase.
Notice any recurring patterns, and work with your therapist to become more mindful of witnessing those emotions and coming up with healthy coping behaviors instead of buying.
You can track the times you wanted to make a purchase, but stopped yourself. What helped you in these moments? This gives you information about what has worked for you in the past, and gives you strategies to lean on in the future.
It can also be motivating to track the amount you wanted to spend, so you can see how much you saved over time. This can show you the progress you’re making.
Some people find motivation in tracking days without compulsive purchases. If you use this approach, try to treat the tracker as information rather than an all-or-nothing challenge.
A setback doesn't erase the progress that came before it. Instead, ask yourself what you can learn from the experience and what you can do differently next time.
Replace Avoidance with Action
When you notice yourself wanting to avoid the package delivery, the bills, or the clutter, try choosing a single constructive action instead.
That might be returning an item, making a payment on a credit card bill, writing down what triggered a purchase, or simply feeling the discomfort without trying to escape it with buying.
Slowly, shame can lead to acknowledgement and action that inspires learning and change. When shame feels overwhelming, we don’t need to solve everything all at once. Just take one manageable step forward for steady progress.
Share Your Struggles & Ask for Support
When we’re ashamed, it’s common to want to hide and not share our struggles with others.
However, that can lead to isolation, while the underlying issues remain unaddressed.
Instead, you may wish to share with family and friends what you’re working through. Ask for specific help, such as changing plans to go shopping in Larchmont village and instead to go for a hike together or meet up for coffee.
You might ask for help with returning items, or have a group text thread that you can turn to when feeling the urge to shop.
Shame Doesn't Have to Define You
Overcoming shame is part of overcoming addiction.
Shame doesn't have to define you, and it doesn't have to keep the cycle going. You can use what happened as an opportunity to understand yourself, repair what you can, and make different choices the next time the cycle begins.
Working with a qualified therapist who has experience with addiction can help you identify triggers, develop alternative coping skills, and address the emotional patterns that may be contributing to compulsive buying.
When I work with clients with a shopping compulsion, we don't focus on ‘trying harder to stop.’
Instead, we explore what the shopping compulsion may be helping you cope with and work through the emotional and situational triggers that keep the cycle going.
Contact me to develop practical, solution-focused goals that support lasting change.
Further Reading: Understanding the Signs of a Shopping Addiction
