EMDR for Grief: What Does a Session Look Like?

If you’ve heard of EMDR, you might know it stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.

But you might also want to know what that means when you're dealing with grief. Grief comes with a lot of uncertainty. You might be trying to figure out how to get through your day, make sense of what happened, or adjust to a life that’s different from what you expected. I understand that starting a new kind of therapy can bring its own questions.

You might wonder what we’ll talk about in an EMDR session - or how much talking you’ll actually need to do. You might be worried you’ll have to describe everything that happened, or be uncertain about what you’ll need to do when we start the eye movements.

This article will walk you through what an EMDR session for grief can look like, so you have a better idea of what to expect.

Hi, I’m Michele Ross.

I’m an EMDRIA-certified therapist who offers sessions online for California residents and in-person at my Los Angeles office.

I work with people who feel stuck in painful thought patterns, memories, or experiences and want a way to move through those experiences to come out on the other side.

Of course, the specifics of each session will look different from day to day, person to person, and therapist to therapist. Let this be a general guide while also leaving room for customization for your unique experience of grief.

When to Try EMDR Therapy for Grief

EMDR can help with the kind of grief associated with bereavement, especially if the grief feels complicated or is attached to a traumatic experience.

EMDR can also help those who feel grief from other kinds of loss. 

Maybe you’ve become estranged from your narcissistic mother, and you’re mourning the loss of the kind of relationship you hoped to have. 

Or you’re in recovery, but you're also mourning friendships with people you used to share that life with.

It could be that a current loss has reactivated a different, unresolved trauma.

Some of these losses get less social recognition or support, which can make the grief harder to name and talk about.

What these experiences have in common is that they ask you to adapt to a new reality. You might feel like your whole world has changed, or like your identity is lost. It might feel strange to have something missing from your life, and the intense longing can come up in moments when you least expect it (Journal of EMDR Practice and Research 2020).

How an EMDR session for grief might start

If it’s your first session with a therapist, you won’t dive into EMDR right away. Instead, your therapist will ask you some questions to get to know you. They might ask about your life, your support system, your current stressors, and the way the loss is impacting you. 

You may work with bilateral stimulation in that first session, or wait until your next appointment. The pace will depend on your circumstances, and what you and your therapist decide together.

When you’re ready to start, you and your therapist will choose something to focus on during bilateral stimulation. 

That could be:

• a memory that feels stuck on a loop

• something you wish you could change about what happened

• a belief about yourself that came from the loss

What you focus on here will likely be about one specific thing, rather than the feeling of grief in general (Journal of EMDR Practice and Research 2020). You don’t need to know what you’ll explore ahead of time; this is something you’ll come up with along with your therapist.

Process the specific memory with EMDR

Once you know what you’ll work on, your therapist will guide you through the EMDR process.

You won’t necessarily need to relive or describe trauma out loud to your therapist. Instead, you might focus on a component of the experience. You might just share the reactions you feel in your body, the thoughts that come up for you, or describe your feelings.

Then, you'll move into the bilateral stimulation process. Your therapist might guide your eyes from side to side by asking you to follow the movement of their fingers, or use alternating taps or sounds.

You don’t need to make anything specific happen during this part of the session. Additional memories, emotions or physical sensations can come up as you do this, but your therapist will help you stay oriented to the present moment.

What you might find is that while you’re participating in bilateral stimulation, your emotions shift. They might feel more neutral, or like something that’s not a threat to you any longer. You may also have a breakthrough – a realization about the situation that you hadn’t been able to put together before (Clinical Neuropsychiatry 2018).

When Something Shifts

Sometimes, EMDR helps you see a memory in a different light. You may understand something wasn’t your fault, or see a situation from a new angle. You may notice that something that felt loud in your mind is now at a more manageable volume.

Your therapist will continue the bilateral stimulation as you work with your new understanding. It can take several sessions for a shift like this to feel fully integrated.

Coming Back to the Body

After the bilateral stimulation, your therapist will guide you through a body scan.

You’ll notice what you feel physically, and focus on any tension or sensations that are still in your body. Your therapist can help you work with anything that feels activated here.

Then, you’ll shift your attention back toward the room around you.

The session will end with time to orient yourself before you return to the rest of your day.

Reevaluating

At your next appointment, you’ll revisit what you worked on.

You’ll talk about what you noticed since the previous session, what’s changed, and what still feels distressing.

If the memory is still activated, you might continue to process it. But, you might also look at another part of the loss that could benefit from processing.

As you heal, the work will expand with you.

What you work on will depend on the kind of loss

There isn’t a universal item to focus on in EMDR, since each loss is so unique to the individual.

You might be working to unpack a distressing memory, a feeling, or a painful belief.

You might grieve for something you expected to have - a marriage, a career, a life in a certain city, a family, or a version of life that you planned for. 

EMDR for grief can explore these kinds of situations, too. You’ll focus on the parts of the loss that still affect you and the life you’re trying to build now.

Does EMDR Make Grief Go Away?

Grief is a natural response to any kind of loss. The intention with grief-focused EMDR isn’t to erase anything, or to make you stop missing what you lost.

Francine Shapiro, the founder of EMDR, says the goal of EMDR for grief is to “allow clients to mourn with a greater sense of inner peace” (Encyclopedia of Psychotherapy, 2002; Journal of EMDR Practice and Research 2020).

So this kind of therapy helps you recalibrate what is painful, overwhelming, or stuck. Then, you work on carrying the loss forward. The loss will start to feel more integrated into your day-to-day life instead of feeling like you can no longer function.

For some people, you might replay the event less often, feel less responsibility for what happened, or spend less time stuck in rumination. This makes room for you to come back to your “regular” life – albeit changed due to the grief.

What might I experience during an EMDR session?

Grief can bring up strong emotional and physical responses, and you may notice those responses during an EMDR session.

You might cry, feel anger, or feel numb. Bodily reactions might come up that you didn’t expect. 

Your therapist will help you stay connected to the present as you move through the process of what comes up. You can also talk to them about any needs you have during the session, and slow down the pace or switch topics.

It might benefit you to block out some quiet time after your EMDR session before going back to a demanding part of your day. If you’re able, give yourself space to notice your emotions, eat something, rest, take a walk, or journal to help you feel more grounded.

This helps to situate yourself with where you are in the healing process, and focus on where you want to be as you move forward..

EMDR for Grief in Los Angeles or Online Throughout California

If there’s a loss you’re carrying that is overwhelming, you’re welcome to schedule a free 15-minute consultation with me. We’ll talk about what you're experiencing, and see if EMDR sessions could be a good fit for you.